


The Things Dr. Serket Is Not Allowed To Do At The Foundation

by shadedScribe



Category: Homestuck, SCP Foundation
Genre: Body Horror, Canon-Typical Violence, Crossover, Dark Comedy, Gen, Humor, June Egbert - Freeform, Lists, Shenanigans, Trans John Egbert, Trans Roxy Lalonde, Well - Freeform, a list, bit of JuneVrisRezi, broken up by little stories and chapter breaks, but hopefully kinda better, kind of a throw back to SCP's more 'dark supernatural office comedy' days, might help to have the SCP wiki open in another tab, since I'm not about to try and hyperlink everything, wish we had a more coherent tag for that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:55:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27361594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadedScribe/pseuds/shadedScribe
Summary: A brief (well, brief-ish) list of the acts that Foundation researcher Dr. Vriska Serket is no longer allowed to perform, for various reasons, as well as some other relevant documentation.
Relationships: Nothing worth tagging - Relationship
Comments: 15
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Been a minute since I last posted, huh? Don't see why, it's not like there's anything distracting going on, amiright?
> 
> Anyway, this here is a fic inspired by me idly browsing through all the old sorta 'LOLFoundation" kinda SCP stuff that I was really into when I was a high school sophomore out of nostalgia, wondering if I could make a Homestuck crossover out of it (cause, like, have you seen my page, that's half my oeuvre), then coming across that old "Things Dr. Bright is not allowed to do" list and being like "What if I wrote this but with Vriska, and also better jokes, and maybe threw in some interstitials, such as little mini-fics HS characters at the Foundation and fake SCP documents for Homestuck objects." Anyway, that's how we got here. I was originally going to post it all at once, but the main doc is currently at 9.3k and climbing so I figured I should break it up for readability. Enjoy!
> 
> (By the way, in case it's not obvious, Dirk and Rose are "Dr."s and Dave and Roxy are "Agent"s.)

1\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to paint Agent Pyrope’s office red again.  
2\. Dr. Nitram’s face is perfectly fine, and would not be improved by exposure to SCP-217.  
3\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to impersonate a religious figure for any reason.  
4\. Replacing Dr. Strider’s katana with SCP-572 is just cruel.  
5\. Dr. Serket is to refrain from saying “Boy, I’m sure glad nothing else exciting is going to happen today” as a joke immediately after containment breaches are resolved: a Foundation facility is a bad place to try and tempt fate.  
6\. While it may have worked out rather nicely for Agent Egbert and we’re all very happy for her, in the future Dr. Serket is not to expose anyone to SCP-113 without permission.  
7\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to try to run Doom on SCP-713  
8\. Under no circumstances is SCP-888 to be used to play Dungeons and Dragons.  
\--------------  
Item #: SCP-888

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-888 is currently in the possession of Dr. Serket. Due to its anomalous properties, attempting to remove it from her and place it in containment is impractical at this time. In the event of Dr. Serket’s death, the closest available Mobile Task Force is to secure the area, neutralize any non-Foundation entity that may have gained possession of SCP-888, and wait for a robotic drone to retrieve SCP-888 for containment.

Description: SCP-888 is a set of eight(8) eight(8)-sided dice. The dice are blue, with white pips, and spectrographic analysis shows them to be made out of [REDACTED]. The pips are in a non-standard pattern, though this may simply be due to SCP-888’s age.

SCP-888’s anomalous properties activate when it is claimed by a sapient owner, although few specifics are known due to a paucity of data. SCP-888 recognizes its owner and remains in their possession, returning by unknown means to its owner’s pocket or personal space after it has been rolled. Records recovered from the site of SCP-888’s discovery suggest that this property ceases to function upon the owner’s death, though this has not been experimentally confirmed.

Whenever SCP-888 is rolled by its owner, it causes an anomalous effect to occur in the area, based on the result of the roll. Note that the result is calculated based on the set of the numbers that are rolled, not their sum; for example, SCP-888 considers a 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 to be a different result than an 8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1. Since this means that there are over 16.7 million potential results, the Foundation has not attempted to create a full catalog of potential SCP-888 outcomes, although all currently known results are listed in Document-888-1. The effects produced by SCP-888 are not necessarily helpful, and often appear intended to be humorous; for example, one known roll simply summons a 2m tall specimen of _Mustela nivalis_ , which does nothing but dance in place for one minute before disappearing. However, more powerful rolls often create effects that are extremely useful for combat; during the incident at [REDACTED], Dr. Serket was able to use SCP-888 to single-handedly subdue an entire Chaos Insurgency strike force after Foundation security teams were defeated.

It is currently speculated that SCP-888 also possesses the ability to effect probability. The results of rolling SCP-888 are often oddly appropriate to the surrounding situation, and furthermore, Dr. Serket has been observed to roll all 8s (the most powerful known roll) on at least four separate occasions, despite the fact that the probability of doing so even once is .0000000596, or roughly 1 in 16.7 million.

SCP-888 was recovered from a shipwreck 38.7 kilometers west of the island of Chios in the Aegean Sea by Dr. Serket during a Foundation mission on 08/11/20##. Foundation researchers have dated the wreck to the 2nd century BCE, although SCP-888 may be considerably older. The shipwreck also contained a number of stone tablets detailing the use of SCP-888, as well as other writings on anomalous objects. The cause of the shipwreck is unknown at this time, but analysis of the wreckage suggests that the ship may have been attacked from the air. The site remains under Foundation surveillance.


	2. Chapter 2

9\. If Dr. Serket places SCP-127 in Dr. Harley’s weapons locker again, Dr. Harley is authorized to shoot her in the foot with it.  
10\. Director Maryam’s condition is controlled entirely using volunteer donations of blood, and Dr. Serket’s claims that underperforming researchers will be used as blood donors are entirely false.  
11\. Dr. Megido does not require regular sacrifices of sheep to keep her placated, and Dr. Serket is to refrain from misinforming new recruits to that effect.  
12\. Dr. Serket is to refrain from leaving cephalopods in Dr. Lalonde's or Dr. Peixes's offices as “family visits.”  
13\. Agent Ampora’s unfortunate results with SCP-2203 are a deeply personal matter, and Dr. Serket is to refrain from ~~excessive~~ any public joking about it.  
14\. Hazmat suits are not for wimps, and Dr. Serket is to wear them properly when necessary.  
15\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to use SCP-137 on any puppets, and is especially not allowed to bring the results to Agent Strider.  
16\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to use SCP-379 on people right before they have an interview with SCP-4185; it was exceptionally awkward for both SCP-4185 and Dr. Zahhak.  
\------------  
Item #: SCP-4185

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-4185 is not considered a security risk at this time. At least one(1) of the following persons familiar with SCP-4185’s psychology are to be on call at all times: Dr. Strider, Agent Strider, Dr. Crocker, Agent Lalonde, or Agent English. SCP-4185 is to be allowed free roam of the facility and given all the computer hardware it requests (within reason).

Description: SCP-4185 is a highly advanced AI created when Dr. Strider used an experimental brain-mapping machine to implant a copy of his personality into a computer as a teenager. ~~Did he ever show you that thing? It was fuckin’ hilariously jury-rigged. Broke right after he was done with it.~~ SCP-4185’s source file is currently contained in a pair of sunglasses owned by Dr. Strider, and was brought with Dr. Strider to the Foundation when he joined the staff. SCP-4185 retains all of Dr. Strider’s memories up to the point of its creation, but is aware that it is an electronic intelligence and is capable of independent personality development. SCP-4185 has been determined by Foundation researchers to be fully sapient, and prefers to be referred to as “Lil Hal” when spoken to: Foundation personnel are to comply with this request.

SCP-4185 is capable of infiltrating and interacting with any electronic device that contains some sort of messaging application. It is highly communicative, and ~~is the most eloquent motherfucker in this entire organization~~ appears to particularly enjoy conversing with people and the concept of irony. Dr. Strider reports having originally designed SCP-4185 as an “Auto-Responder” to respond to messages in his stead, and SCP-4185 is consequently extremely good at imitating Dr. Strider, to the point that only a handful of people intimately familiar with him can tell the difference with any consistency. If Foundation personnel are required to determine the difference, SCP-4185 does have one pre-programmed response that compels it to explain its nature whenever it is directly asked about “the Auto-Responder”, though since this response has been known to vary somewhat in exact wording, suggesting that SCP-4185 may be using it ironically or out of courtesy. ~~You’re welcome.~~

Due to its extreme intelligence, SCP-4185 is capable of being extremely helpful to Foundation operations, particularly ones involving computers, and has worked very successfully with MTF Kappa-10(“Skynet”), MTF Mu-4(“Debuggers”), and MTF Rho-9(“Technical Support”) in the past. ~~If by ‘worked with’ you mean ‘carried them like a goddamn mama kangaroo hauling around a bunch of little technically inept joeys in her pouch’, then, yeah, sure.~~ SCP-4185 often appears particularly motivated by the chance to try and prove itself superior to Dr. Strider in some fashion. However, Foundation personnel who will be working with SCP-4185 are advised that it possesses an extremely ‘ironic’ sense of humor and can sometimes be difficult to get along with, SCP-4185 is also known to engage in ‘trolling’, that is, being intentionally difficult or unhelpful for its own amusement. SCP-4185 has been known to ironically pretend to fail the Turing test, and Foundation mathematicians consider its claims about major mathematical issues to be dubious. ~~Seriously, the last digit of pi is 4. Look it up. Oh, wait, you can’t, because all your brains are a bunch of waterlogged lumps of fat and not perfect matrixes of silicon and circuits like mine.~~

 ~~As the most advanced AI currently in existence with a machine brain capable of processing more things at once than your puny mammal brains can even conceive of, SCP-4185 is much better at this job than the flesh version of Dr. Strider and should be consulted at every opportunity.~~ SCP-4185 frequently accesses and edits this document; any such edits are to be struck-though but otherwise left in place in order to prevent SCP-4185 from moving on to more serious vandalism, and this document is to be checked for alterations every six hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're wondering, 4185 is the page number of Hal's first appearance.


	3. Chapter 3

17\. Dr. Peixes’s cuttlefish collection is not a seafood buffet.  
18\. If Dr. Serket has a mouse problem in her office, she is to call the custodial staff, not Agent Leijon.  
19\. Dr. Serket is not to give Dr. Makara any more horns of any description.  
20\. Titles of nobility granted to Dr. Serket by SCP-1845-1 are invalid, and she is not allowed to force anyone to use them.  
21\. Dr. Serket is not to leave any half-finished iterations of SCP-1313 written on whiteboards around the facility.  
22\. Dr. Serket may not tell new recruits that using SCP-427 is a great way to get a suntan.  
23\. Emoticons are not appropriate characters to use in SCP designations.  
24\. Dr. Captor’s work as IT manager is difficult enough around here without Dr. Serket trying to make a bootleg supercomputer and nearly starting an SK-Class end-of-the-world scenario.  
\--------------  
“Remind me again why the hell you thought this was a good idea?” Karkat yelled as he and Vriska dove behind a pile of crates to avoid flailing tentacles of wire.

“Look, if Sollux isn’t going to give me a better computer, I have to take matters into my own hands.” said Vriska.

“And instead of just, I don’t know, _stealing one_ , you decided to try and assemble your own supercomputer out of all the anomalous junk you could find in the tech wing?” Karkat asked incredulously as he drew his handgun and popped up to empty a clip into the ungainly mass of monitors, cables, computers, and other assorted electronics that Vriska had somehow managed to animate and imbue with a hostile intelligence.

“Hey, it works, doesn’t it?”

“Gee, that’s such a comfort.” Karkat snarled as he ducked back into cover to reload. “I would hate to be eviscerated by a _malfunctioning_ evil supercomputer.”

“Oh, don’t be such a whiner.” Vriska waved a hand dismissively. “And stop just shooting into it randomly and go for the surveillance cameras instead, I think it’s using them as eyes.”

Karkat glanced up at the swarm of small surveillance cameras that were whipping around on the ends of wire tentacles at blurring speed.

“Yeah, I’ll be sure to get right on that.”

Vriska rolled her eyes, then drew her own weapon and opened fire, managing to take out three cameras in eight shots.

“You really need to get to the shooting range more often, Karkat.” she observed.

“You got three of them. Great job. Only another two hundred or so to go.” Karkat’s voice dripped with enough sarcasm to leave stains. 

“Would you two stop bickering and think of a more constructive way to help!” yelled Jade from down the hallway, where she was attempting to blast through to the computer’s core with a shotgun, to no avail.

“Yeah!” June called in agreement from where she was using a fire axe to try and destroy the computer’s connections with the building’s electrical system.

Karkat thought hard for a moment while Vriska kept trying to whittle away at the construct’s eyes.

“Well, it knows how to catch grenades, so explosives are out. Wait, I have an idea.”

Karkat looked up and started shooting at the ceiling.

“You’re not going to collapse the ceiling on it, you dumbass.” Vriska informed Karkat between shots.

“I know that, I’m trying to-”

There was a ping as one of Karkat’s shots ricocheted and activated the sprinkler system.

“That, I was trying to do that.”

Water exploded out of the ceiling and flowed down over the machine, which started sparking and smoking.

“Hey, good idea, Karkat!” said Jade. “Now we can-”

The machine bucked and reshifted itself so that it had a shell of broken equipment on top of itself shielding it from the water, and sent everyone diving for cover again with more wire tentacles, this time woven with shards of broken glass.

“Well, it’s a start, anyway.” said Jade.

The machine’s tendrils kept sweeping and crawling around, spreading out over the floor as if it was searching for something.

“It’s still trying to integrate more technology into itself!” Jade warned.

“Yeah, but it already got all the stuff in the lab.” said Vriska. “What else can it do?”

Karkat glanced over at where the machine’s tendrils were probing at a door.

“Say, isn’t that the closet those D-classes were hiding in?”

There was a crash of splintering wood, an awful squelching noise, and several agonized screams.

“Apparently, yeah.” said Vriska. “You think it just wants to kill them, or can it integrate human nervous systems?”

Several disembodied eyes hung on strands of nerve tissue joined the swarm of surveillance cameras, and a macabre umbrella made of skin and bone spread itself over the machine, blocking out the sprinklers.

“Oh, great, your evil supercomputer can do body horror too.” said Karkat.

A gelatinous layer of leftover organic materials spread itself over the machine like insulation, and pieces of glass, lightbulbs, and power sources started reassembling themselves towards the back of the machine.

“Wait,” asked Karkat, “what’s it building?”

“Laser!” warned Vriska, who was a bit quicker on the uptake, shoving Karkat out of the way as the first shot burned through the air.

Jade hastily ducked around a corner to avoid another shot.

“Can we get rid of that please!” she yelled.

“Vriska, this is my last grenade!” June called, slinging one at the laser.

“Damn it, June, no, it can catch those!” Karkat shouted.

A tendril of wire snatched the grenade out of the air just before it could hit the laser; Vriska popped up and shot the grenade, detonating it and scrapping the device. The explosion left the entire machine staggering for a moment, but it was far from finished.

“Now what?” Jade asked.

“Uh, guys?” said June, who was looking at a screen on the side of the machine. “This thing instantly takes over any electronics its program comes into contact with, right?”

“That is the nature of the problem, yes!” Karkat half screeched as he frantically fired into the bulk of the machine.

“And its electronics can also take over human nervous systems if it gets into contact with them, right?”

“Yeah, why?” said Vriska, looking around desperately for something else that might explode.

“Okay, so it’s probably bad that it’s apparently eighty-seven percent done uploading itself to the internet, right?”

“Bad doesn’t begin to cover it!” shrieked Karkat, who had run out of ammunition and resorted to throwing empty magazines at the machine.

“Cut the cables it’s using to connect!” shouted Vriska.

“I can’t, it keeps regenerating them!”

“Can anyone get through to Site Command to get the on-site nuke activated?” asked Jade.

“No, the machine is running some kind of radio interference.” said Karkat, who was weighing over whether an empty handgun or an x-acto knife would make a better hand-to-hand weapon.

“If this thing manages to infect every internet-connected device on the planet at once we’ll have an SK-scenario on our hands!” said Jade. “We have to do something!”

The machine assembled several stray larynxes, a mouth, and a single lung into a crude device capable of speech.

“You do not.” it said in an awful, overlapping voice. “Redundant systems will be purged. Cease resistance. 10 INTEGRATE NEW HARDWARE: 20 GOTO 10.”

“Nice job with the programming there, jackass.” Karkat groused at Vriska.

“Ninety-five percent uploaded!” June shouted.

Vriska sighed. “Hell with it. Let’s just rush it and hope for the best.”

“What a brilliant fucking plan!” Karkat shouted, throwing his hands up in the air. “On the count of three?”

“On three.” Vriska confirmed. “One, two-”

A door at the end of the hallway slid open as Sollux nonchalantly walked in.

“Alright, Vriska, you sent me an email earlier about having trouble with some new hardware-”

Sollux froze mid step as he took in the absurd tableau before him; the bulky machine covered in rendered flesh and surrounded by disembodied eyes and cameras on tendrils, Jade and Vriska aiming guns at it, June rushing at it with a fire axe raised above her head, and Karkat halfway through scrambling over a box to try and stab it with an x-acto knife.

“Vriska, what the actual fuck did you do?” Sollux asked incredulously.

The tableau broke as the machine’s tendrils lashed out at Sollux, who narrowly dodged as the miniature computer he wore on his wrist was snatched away.

“Come on!” yelled Vriska. “Let’s try and kill it before it’s too late!”

Sollux lunged forward and grabbed his stolen computer.

“Take cover!” he warned as he hastily typed something on it.

As everyone dove away, every monitor on the machine suddenly exploded at once, showering the room in sparks and broken glass and leaving the machine stricken and unresisting on the floor. June picked herself up and hacked away all its connecting wires, while Sollux pulled out a few incendiary grenades and set about burning the carcass.

“Do you just carry those everywhere?” Karkat asked him.

“Yeah, and it’s a good thing I do.” said Sollux. “You never know what the fuck is going to happen around here.”

“Thanks for the save, Sollux.” Jade chimed in. “I’ll go get a cleanup crew.”

She walked off down the hall as Sollux turned to Vriska.

“Alright, now what did you do?” he asked.

“Why do you just assume it was me?” said Vriska. “It could have been something completely unrelated.”

Sollux just glared at her.

Vriska sighed. “Fine, I was trying to build a supercomputer.”

“Why?” Sollux asked.

“I need an upgrade for my office! The desktop I’ve got takes, like, an entire minute to decrypt a page of high-level communications.”

“Wow, a whole fucking minute.” Karkat cut in. “What a terrible horror, having to spend an entire minute waiting for something important every now and again.”

“Like there isn’t a groove worn in your desk from you impatiently tapping every time you have to wait for something to load.” June ribbed him.

“Yeah, tapping, not building doing unsanctioned reckless makeshift computer building with anomalous parts and nearly getting everyone-”

“I’m just going to cut you off there before we all lose our eardrums from the rant you’ve got built up.” said Sollux, elbowing Karkat, before looking at Vriska and sighing.

“Fine,” he said, “if you can stop emailing me every two minutes and avoid causing any major catastrophes for a month or so, I’ll get you one of the new H-series upgrades. Deal?”

“Deal.” 

Sollux turned and walked away, muttering under his breath. Karkat followed suit, although in his case, muttering under his breath was still loud enough that his comment about “jackass Serket and her stupid projects” was still perfectly audible.

Vriska rolled her eyes.

“You know, I think that worked out pretty well.” she said.

“Except for those D-classes.” June pointed out.

“Oh, we’ve got more of them.”


	4. Chapter 4

25\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to ask SCP-1006 for its opinions on Leon Trotsky or any similar figure ever again.  
26\. Dr. Serket is not to place a note reading ‘Kick Me’ on ~~Dr. Vantas other Foundation personnel SCP-409 any SCP~~ _Anything._  
27\. Dr. Serket is to refrain from assuming any misfortune she may experience is due to being cursed by Dr. Megido.  
28\. The Foundation has more than enough potentially world-ending objects on hand without Dr. Serket building doomsday devices in her spare time.  
29\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to fake anyone’s death.  
30\. The fact that Dr. Serket’s favorite number is eight(8) does not render her immune to SCP-233, and she is to refrain from taunting it.  
31\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to mind-control her colleagues.  
32\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to bring a laser pointer anywhere near SCP-413-C ever again.  
\----------  
Item #: SCP-413

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-413-A cannot be contained at this time. Foundation personnel embedded in civilian astronomical agencies are to prevent observation of the [REDACTED] system to avoid further exposure of the anomaly. Research into singularity weapons potentially capable of destroying SCP-413-A if necessary is ongoing.

SCP-413-B is currently partially contained by its emotional attachment to Foundation researcher Dr. Jade Harley. Since no other feasible method of containment has been discovered as of yet, this attachment is to be encouraged. All Foundation personnel coming into contact with SCP-413-B are to treat it with the utmost friendliness and respect, and it is to be amply provided with its favorite food (irradiated beef steaks) in order to encourage it to develop a positive emotional connection with the Foundation. SCP-413-B is largely non-hostile, except in cases where Dr. Harley is threatened.

SCP-413-C is currently uncontained. No known method for tranquilizing it or preventing it from teleporting currently exists; however, efforts to encourage SCP-413-C to associate the Foundation with comfort by providing ample interaction, food, and treats whenever it happens to teleport into a Foundation facility are ongoing, and show some promise. In recent months SCP-413-C has spent as much as thirty-five percent(35%) of its time with the Foundation, and that proportion may increase further. Sightings outside of Foundation control are to be tracked by a combination of specialized radiation detection equipment and standard satellite monitoring. MTF Lambda-1(“Cat Fanciers”) is to follow up on sightings when necessary.

Description: SCP-413 refers to an anomalous star in the [REDACTED] system and a set of anomalous beings whose powers appear to be connected to said star in some fashion.

SCP-413-A is a large star in the [REDACTED] system, roughly 1025 light-years from Earth, discovered by a routine Foundation astrographic survey on 11/11/19##. The star has a distinctive neon green coloration not otherwise found in nature, and attempts to ascertain SCP-413-A’s size and mass produce inconsistent results. Most readings suggest that SCP-413-A possesses a mass larger than that of the known universe, but it produces none of the gravitational effects that would normally be expected from such a large body. In addition, SCP-413-A emits a unique energy signature in the [REDACTED] range, and spectrographic analysis suggests that SCP-413-A contains one or more previously unknown chemical elements. SCP-413-A also largely fails to exhibit normal stellar characteristics such as solar flares, prominences, and so on. Due to SCP-413-A’s size and distance from Earth, the only currently viable containment method is to prevent Earth-based astronomers from observing it. Foundation astronomers are to continue to keep SCP-413-A under observation, with a particular focus on searching for data that better explains the connection between SCP-413-A and the rest of SCP-413. 

SCP-413-B is a being resembling a large white canine of indeterminate species and breed. Attempts to obtain DNA samples from SCP-413-B have all failed; saliva and stray hairs have been obtained, but attempts to extract and sequence DNA have failed due to the presence of large amounts of ionizing radiation within the samples. It is currently unknown whether or not SCP-413-B is sapient; SCP-413-B generally displays behavior consistent with a particularly clever individual of an ordinary canine species and does not speak, but appears to have an abnormally good understanding of human speech and technology and physics. However, SCP-413-B refuses to cooperate with Foundation personnel long enough to take a standard sapience test, and no feasible method of forcing its cooperation currently exists. As such, current Foundation policy is to assume that SCP-413-B is fully sapient and intelligent, and accordingly refrain from discussing sensitive information where SCP-413-B might overhear it.

SCP-413-B possesses a number of anomalous abilities, the most prominent and frequently used of which is the ability to teleport. SCP-413-B’s teleportation is virtually instantaneous and is always accompanied by a distinctive green flash. SCP-413-B can teleport both itself and any objects or entities nearby, and it is unknown whether SCP-413-B has any range limit. SCP-413-B sometimes chooses to teleport objects by turning its body into a spatial portal to the desired destination; the logic behind it choosing to do so or not is unknown. Teleported objects are not harmed, and the teleportation process is too brief for subjects that undergo it to make any observations other than seeing a bright green flash. SCP-413-B has not been observed to collide or attempt to teleport inside other objects even when teleporting to locations outside of visual range, leading Foundation researchers to theorize that SCP-413-B possesses extrasensory abilities, though this has not been experimentally confirmed. All current technologies for preventing teleportation or spatial distortion in the Foundation’s possession are ineffective against SCP-413-B’s abilities.

SCP-413-B also possesses the ability to generate enormous amounts of destructive energy, enough easily destroy armored vehicles and small asteroids. The upper limit of SCP-413-B’s energy output is unknown; however, during the Kythera Incident, before the Foundation was able to divert [REDACTED], SCP-413-B appeared to be preparing to attempt to destroy it with an energy blast, suggesting that SCP-413-B may be capable of destroying moon- or even planet-sized objects. SCP-413-B also appears to be largely impervious to physical harm, including bullets, blunt impacts, sharp objects, and explosions. SCP-413-B also possesses physical capabilities far beyond those of normal canines; it is able to move and drag large cars even without using its teleportation abilities, and, when playing ‘fetch’ with Dr. Harley, is capable of easily intercepting and returning rifle bullets travelling at speeds in excess of 1500 m/s. SCP-413-B also appears to be impervious to harmful radiation, to the point where it actively prefers to eat food that has been cooked by heavily irradiating it. 

SCP-413-B’s age and origin are unknown; the earliest available records of SCP-413-B’s existence are provided by Dr. Harley, who recalls being raised alone on an island at [REDACTED] by SCP-413-B after the death of her grandfather, and had the presence of mind to start taking detailed records of SCP-413-B at the age of 14, which she has since handed over to the Foundation. Whether SCP-413-B was created by Dr. Harley’s grandfather or was merely found or befriended by him is unknown. SCP-413-B was named ‘Becquerel’ (or ‘Bec’ for short) and responds to this name in a manner consistent with a trained canine. SCP-413-B is highly protective of Dr. Harley; whether this is merely due to its canine-like behavior or some other factor is unknown. Although less inclined to follow Dr. Harley everywhere now that she has reached adulthood, SCP-413-B remains relatively near at almost all times; as such, containment is largely achieved merely by having Dr. Harley on the premises of a Foundation facility.

SCP-413-B’s connection with SCP-413-A was first hypothesized due to Dr. Harley noticing the visual similarity between SCP-413-A and the visual effects produced by SCP-413-B’s teleportation and energy blasts. Further examination revealed that SCP-413-B using its abilities produced the same unique energy signature as SCP-413-A, and testing revealed that the spatial portals that SCP-413-B generates on itself occasionally lead directly to SCP-413-A, which enabled the Foundation to send several probes to the star. It is currently theorized that SCP-413-B (as well as SCP-413-C) is able to use SCP-413-A as a power source, although the mechanism through which this is accomplished is unknown.

SCP-413-C is a being resembling a small white feline, but otherwise similar to SCP-413-B. SCP-413-C has displayed all of the same anomalous abilities as SCP-413-B, although its behavior is different, as SCP-413-C displays elements of feline rather than canine behavior.

SCP-413-C has been observed for considerably longer than SCP-413-B; whether this is due to it being older or merely having a more erratic pattern of behavior is unknown. Reports of a teleporting cat impervious to damage and capable of causing considerable havoc have existed long enough to cause several urban legends, and led to SCP-413-C coming to the awareness of the Foundation in the 1970s, where it was initially classified as its own SCP until the discovery of SCP-413-A and -B’s unique energy signature resulted in the setup of detectors that revealed SCP-413-C to also possess said signature, at which point it was reclassified to its current designation. Although SCP-413-C does not display emotional attachments on the level of SCP-413-B, it does appear to hold some affection for persons who regularly have positive interactions with it, which is the cornerstone of current containment efforts.

Both SCP-413-B and SCP-413-C have been observed to react defensively when an event capable of destroying life on Earth is in the process of occurring, leading some researchers to suggest that the entities may be intended as guardians of some sort, but until further research is completed into their origins it is likely useless to assume anything about SCP-413.

Addendum 413-1: Any person who might conceivably be described as a mail carrier is to be kept well away from SCP-413-B.  
-Dr. Strider.

Addendum 413-2: No one is to attempt to use a laser pointer to play with SCP-413-C ever again. Chasing the glowing red dot is an activity that should be restricted to cats that can’t actually catch it.  
-Dr. Strider.


	5. Chapter 5

33\. Using SCP-159 to get “a little private time” with Agent Pyrope is strictly not allowed.  
34\. The same goes for Agent Egbert, or anyone else for that matter.  
35\. Dr. Serket is not a goddess, even if she did manage to arrange for several parts of SCP-756 to worship her.  
36\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to expose D-Class personnel to SCP-008 to make practice at the firing range more interesting, even if she does only select the ones who are ‘real assholes’.  
37\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to throw smoke bombs at her colleagues in order to escape a boring meeting.  
38\. The dismembered body parts of other Foundation personnel are not toys, and Dr. Serket is not to treat them as such.  
39\. Dr. Serket is no longer allowed to bring giant novelty lollipops to appointments with Dr. Crocker.  
40\. Relatedly, Dr. Serket is no longer allowed to access SCP-619.  
\--------------  
Item #: SCP-619

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: The two halves of SCP-619 are to be contained in separate rooms, and are not to be brought within ten(10) meters of each other outside of designated testing. Only personnel with Level 4 clearance or higher are to have access to both rooms. No testing of SCP-619 is to take place within ten(10) kilometers of a populated area or a Foundation containment facility. In the event of a containment breach involving persons affected by SCP-619, containment efforts are to focus on cleanup of affected areas, administration of amnestics to witnesses, and recovery of the affected persons by Foundation medical personnel after SCP-619’s effects wear off.

Description: SCP-619 consists of a pair of large lollipops, one bright green and one bright red. D-class personnel assigned to taste the lollipops are unable to identify any flavor other than a general sweetness. When brought close to each other, the two halves of SCP-619 begin to attract each other in a manner similar to a pair of powerful magnets. All attempts at preventing the two halves from coming into contact with each other have failed if the halves are within one(1) meter. 

Whenever the two halves come into contact with each other, they fuse into a single large lollipop with a red and green spiral pattern. Anyone who sees this lollipop is filled with an irresistible urge to lick it, although this effect is only generated by SCP-619 itself, and not by any images or reproductions of it.

Any sapient being who licks SCP-619 after it merges undergoes a transformation; their clothing and hair are altered to become brightly colored, and they gain the ability to fly, conjure objects from nothing, see invisible objects, and release waves of energy that transform their surroundings into livelier but similarly deformed versions of themselves. Persons affected by SCP-619 are also capable of transferring the affliction onto others through physical contact.

Persons under the effects of SCP-619 are highly manic and are unable to be reasoned with. They appear to find being affected to be highly enjoyable, and to possess an urge to spread its effects to others; mostly people they have close ties with, although their behavior can often be random and highly unpredictable. Certain people appear to be capable of partially resisting the effects of SCP-619, still undergoing a physical transformation but retaining their normal mental state. Why this might be or what factors contribute to resistance is unknown at this time. 

SCP-619’s effects eventually wear off; the exact time varies from subject to subject but is usually about eleven hours. Affected persons transform back into their normal states, then lose consciousness for several hours before waking up with symptoms similar to a hangover or certain types of drug withdrawal. Subjects often are unable to fully remember the actions they took while under SCP-619’s effects, or report taking actions that they would have never considered under normal circumstances.

As persons affected by SCP-619 are capable of hypersonic flight and of anomalously rendering virtually any object used for containment to be ineffectual, such persons are to be tracked and recovered by medical personnel once SCP-619’s effects have worn off. Amnestics are to be used when necessary to avoid unauthorized witnesses.

SCP-619 was recovered from a monastery in [REDACTED], Nepal, after reports of tourists engaging in unusual behavior brought the site to the Foundation’s attention.


	6. Chapter 6

41\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to have janitorial staff reassigned to Keter duty for failing to clean up the unreasonable mess of dice, broken 8-balls, and other unfortunate substances in her office.  
42\. Dr. Serket is not authorized to sell anyone’s soul to SCP-738.  
43\. Dr. Serket’s doctoral degree is in psychology, and as such, does not qualify her to perform major surgeries. Neither do her degrees in oceanography, parapsychology, military history, or cryptogeography, or the acupuncture certification she bought on the internet. Any medical problems should be brought to Dr. Crocker, who is an actual doctor.  
44\. Under no circumstances is Dr. Serket allowed to get a hold of green gelatin ever again.  
45\. Even if the Foundation does need to interdict naval traffic to a particular area, Dr. Serket making herself a pirate queen is not an efficient way to accomplish this task.  
46\. Despite what Dr. Serket may claim, new recruits should be aware that Agent Strider only wears sunglasses because he happens to like them; sunglasses provide no protection whatsoever from most cognitohazards.  
47\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to order food delivery to Site-## in order to get out of paying for it after the delivery person has to be given amnestics to avoid a security breach.  
48\. Getting out SCP-707 and “just whacking away to see what happens” is for _emergencies only!_  
\-----------------  
Item #: SCP-707

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-707 is contained in the onsite storage locker at Site-19. In the event of an uncontrolled containment breach or similar emergency, all personnel are authorized to use SCP-707 as a weapon. No further testing using SCP-707 is to be performed without Level 4 authorization, and no termination attempts are to be made using SCP-707 without the permission of at least two members of the O5 council. Any further unauthorized termination attempts using SCP-707 will be severely dealt with.

Description:  
SCP-707 is a red crowbar, apparently made of ordinary iron and possessing no obvious anomalous properties. However, its nature becomes apparent when exposed to other SCPs: as far as can be determined, SCP-707 is entirely immune to all anomalous effects. It cannot be transfigured by any known SCP, retains its normal shape and properties even in areas of anomalous physics that ought to destroy it, and cannot be affected by entities capable of reality-warping. In addition, SCP-707 is often capable of damaging or destroying SCPs that are otherwise immune or resistant to normal means of destruction, affecting said objects as one would normally expect a crowbar to. As such, SCP-707 has proven extremely useful in containment, especially in the termination of [DATA EXPUNGED]. Efforts to duplicate SCP-707 or reproduce its effects are highly encouraged, if so far fruitless: exposing SCP-707 to SCP-038 produced no results, and any attempt to run SCP-707 through SCP-914 simply returns the original regardless of the setting used.

SCP-707 was discovered along with a number of other anomalous objects by Foundation personnel investigating the aftermath of the Green Mansion Incident. The item was presumably in the possession of either the Midnight Crew or SCP-1515; unconfirmed reports suggest that it may have been the personal weapon of SCP-1515-7. SCP-707’s properties were accidentally discovered by Dr. Serket during a containment breach at [REDACTED].

Addendum 707-A: Due to Incident 682-V, where Dr. Serket attempted to use SCP-707 to terminate SCP-682, resulting in [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [DATA EXPUNGED], and the loss of numerous [REDACTED], any further termination attempts using SCP-707 are not to be made without O5 approval.

_LOOK, WE ALL HATE THE DAMN LIZARD, BUT MAYBE EXERCISE A LITTLE MORE CAUTION NEXT TIME, INSTEAD OF JUST WALKING RIGHT INTO THE CONTAINMENT AREA AND SWINGING AWAY AT ITS HEAD LIKE A DERANGED RECKLESS MORON.  
-Dr. Vantas_


	7. Chapter 7

49\. SCP-1187 is not a good way to move a tool shed, or anything else.  
50\. Dr. Serket is to refrain from using the PA system to play her personal music.  
51\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to try and sic the Three Moons Initiative on Agent Ampora for stealing her lunch.  
52\. Under no circumstances is Dr. Serket ever to give any mind-altering substances to Dr. Makara ever again.  
53\. Unless conducting an official interrogation, Dr. Serket is not allowed to dose people with truth serum before asking them difficult questions.  
54\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to resolve arguments with her colleagues by challenging them to a fight.  
55\. “The Site-##-Wide Annual Nerf Dart Combat Tournament” is not something that exists, and Dr. Serket is not allowed to attempt to found it.  
56\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to engage in time travel without the supervision of at least one staff member with Level 4 clearance.  
\----------------  
“Item seventeen.” Kanaya said, flipping a page over on her clipboard. “The unauthorized retrieval and sale of some eighty-eight pieces of Late Roman Republic-era jewelry and art pieces.”

“Hey, I faked their archeological provenance thoroughly before selling them, you know.” said Vriska. “And I used some of the money to buy the new espresso machine for the medical wing’s breakroom.”

“You know, that is an excellent point.” said Jane from the seat at Kanaya's left, taking a sip of her cappuccino. “I say we let this one slide.”

Kanaya gave her a Look, but still moved on to the next item.

“Item eighteen: introducing several specimens of _Styxosaurus snowii_ into Loch Ness over a period of several years.”

“We already have one Nessie SCP, we don’t need another one.” Karkat groused from his seat on Kanaya’s right.

“Hey, MTF what’s-their-faces, the “Clever Girls”, they took care of it just fine.” Vriska countered. “There weren’t even any casualties, so I don’t see what the problem is.”

“Just because there were no casualties does not mean that they appreciate having their time wasted.” Kanaya sighed. “Why on Earth did you feel the need to do something like that?”

“To win a bet with June.”

“Of course.” Kanaya pinched the bridge of her nose. “Moving on, then. Item nineteen: the so-called ‘Blast From The Past Barbeque’.”

“Look, we were discussing extinct species, and then Nepeta said she wondered what a passenger pigeon tasted like, and then Terezi said the same thing about an apatosaurus, and then it kind of spiralled from there.”

“Hmm.” Kanaya looked on impassively.

“And, yeah, the Triassic-period zoonotic disease that some of us accidentally got was bad,” Vriska continued, “but even with that I’d say it was a net plus for morale. Those struthominius drumsticks were delicious.”

“Speak for yourself.” Jane groused. “You didn’t have to try and come up with antibodies and a vaccine for a virus that was supposed to have been extinct for two hundred and thirty million years.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Vriska agreed. “You medical types really don’t get enough credit. I was thinking about getting you some new appliances for your breakroom to replace your old fridge and microwave, as a token of my appreciation.”

“Complaint withdrawn.” Jane said, cheerfully. “Make sure the fridge is one of those ones with an icemaker in the door, will you?”

“Item twenty,” Kanaya cut them off. “The D.B. Cooper incident.”

“Hey, he was going to die anyway, and it seemed a shame to let all that money go to waste.”

“Item twenty-one: Going back in time to the 1970s to break into city planning offices and retroactively alter the street plans to ensure high levels of traffic congestion around Dr. Vantas’s house.”

Vriska grinned.

“Well, he was always complaining about the most minor traffic hiccups for long enough to make my ears bleed, so I figured if he was going to complain anyway, I may as well give him something worth complaining about.”

“I really hate you sometimes, you know.” said Karkat. “And not in a fun way, either.”

Vriska laughed.

“Item twenty-two,” Kanaya continued. “Failing to properly clean up after yourself on a trip to the early Holocene epoch, resulting in the archeological discovery of an eleven thousand year old cache of junk food wrappers.”

“That was a real pain in the ass to cover up, you know.” Karkat complained.

“In my defense, the odds of it surviving to the present _and_ winding up in an archeological dig site were pretty low.” said Vriska.

“Item twenty-three: failing to observe proper fire safety procedures on your trip to 1st Century B.C. Alexandria.”

“My bad.” Vriska tried and failed to look sheepish. “Though that library was overrated anyway.”

Karkat’s forehead hit the table with a dull thud.

"Stop that, before you give yourself a concussion." Jane scolded him.

“Say, how many of these are there, anyway?” Vriska asked. “I don’t have all afternoon, you know.”

“You do, in fact, have all afternoon.” Kanaya corrected, using her Site Director voice so Vriska knew it was serious. “Which is fortunate, since there are a total of one hundred and eleven temporal indiscretions to cover here.”

“Geez, you guys are thorough.” Vriska shook her head. “Bet you even found out about the cross-temporal fight club.”

“Make that one hundred and twelve temporal indiscretions.” Kanaya corrected. “Now, item twenty-four: stealing a Bell X-1 and taking it for a joyride over ancient Scandinavia…”


	8. Chapter 8

57\. Using SCP-668 to go around all day kicking people in the shins without repercussions is strictly forbidden.  
58\. No matter how annoyed she is with Dr. Vantas, Dr. Serket is not to ask SCP-294 for “a cup of chill the [REDACTED] out.”  
59\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to put any felines into SCP-914 on Very Fine again, no matter what Agents Leijon and Lalonde try to bribe her with.  
60\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to use explosives, chemical weapons, or cognitohazards to secure her personal locker.  
61\. The Foundation is perfectly happy to provide vehicles to its personnel as needed; there is no reason for Dr. Serket to use SCP-278 for transportation.  
62\. Dr. Serket is only allowed to charge parking tickets she receives to her expense account if she gets them in the course of her work, and not when she decides to leave her car parked in front of a fire hydrant for a week while on vacation.  
63\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to test whether or not something is a cognitohazard by holding it up in someone’s face and asking them if it looks funny.  
64\. Dr. Serket is not to leave SCP-1212 in the breakroom kitchen again.  
\-----------  
Item #: SCP-1212

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1212 is stored in a high-security vault at Site-##. It is not to be removed from containment for any purpose other than testing, and testing is to be done only under the direct supervision of at least one(1) staff member with Level 4 clearance. Any area used to test SCP-1212 must be entirely contained within the area of effect of at least one(1) primary and one(1) backup Scranton Reality Anchor at all times.

Description: SCP-1212 is a purple egg timer, with a mechanical dial allowing it to be set at one(1)-minute intervals up to an hour, with an accuracy typical of cheap mechanical egg timers, and a small bell that plays a ringing sound whenever the timer reaches zero. Whenever a person holding SCP-1212 sets the timer, they are transported back in time by the amount set once the timer reaches zero. The ringing sound is always clearly audible at the point where the user emerges. Users can also bring other people and objects back in time with them by maintaining physical contact when traveling.

As SCP-1212 readily duplicates itself and anything that it sends back in time, it is possible for a single person equipped with SCP-1212 and the knowledge of how it works to quickly assemble a large crowd of similarly-equipped duplicates of themselves at any given spot. However, SCP-1212 has no precautions preventing the creation of unstable time loops, and repeated or careless use often causes serious damage to the local spacetime continuum, resulting in [DATA EXPUNGED]. As such, proposals to make use of SCP-1212 for Foundation field operations have been rejected.

SCP-1212 was recovered from the home of a construction foreman in Glencoe, Illinois on 09/07/20##, after his teenage son attempted to use it to summon duplicates of himself to help with his chores and accidentally caused enough damage to the spacetime continuum to be picked up by Foundation sensors. Foundation personnel repaired the damage and administered amnestics to affected persons. The father had recently been supervising cleanup on the site of the Green Mansion Incident after Foundation cleanup crews declared it clear to be handed over to civilian authorities and is presumed to have recovered SCP-1212 from there. Relevant Foundation personnel have been reprimanded for insufficiently searching the site.


	9. Chapter 9

65\. There is no practical use for rocket shoes, and Dr. Serket is to stop badgering Dr. Zahhak to make her a pair.  
66\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to give cybernetic body parts of any sort to anybody without asking permission first.  
67\. The cafeteria is not an appropriate place for Dr. Serket to engage in target practice with her personal firearms.  
68\. If Dr. Serket is assigned a large amount of Foundation funds in order to go undercover at a Marshall, Carter, and Dark auction, she is not allowed to keep any leftover money after the mission is over.  
69\. Dr. Serket is to refrain from leaving circles of salt outside of Dr. Megido’s office; they don’t do anything, but they’re annoying to clean up.  
70\. Emergency drills are run at the discretion of Director Maryam, not whenever Dr. Serket happens to feel it would be funny to yell “Look out, it escaped!”  
71\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to bring earplugs to official meetings, even if she only intends to use them when Dr. Vantas is speaking.  
72: Dr. Serket is not allowed to handle SCP-606, especially when she is irritated or has just lost a competition.  
\----------------  
Item #: SCP-606

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-606 is kept under standard security at Site-##. No pins are to be added to or removed from SCP-606, and no new pins are to be created without O5 clearance.

Description: SCP-606 is a small white doll made of cloth in the shape of a stereotypical ‘voodoo doll’, and a set of decorated pins, each corresponding to a specific individual. Pins are made by replacing the head of the pin with a small symbol corresponding to the targeted individual in some manner, obtaining a sample of the targeted individual’s DNA, and [DATA EXPUNGED].

SCP-606 was recovered from the scene of the Green Mansion Incident with nineteen pins, fifteen of which corresponded to SCP-1515-1 through -15, and four of which corresponded to the Midnight Crew. Since recovery, an additional four pins, corresponding to Foundation personnel Agent Ampora, Dr. Vantas, Dr. Strider, and Dr. Makara have been created, all by Dr. Serket.

Whenever an individual picks up the doll and inserts one of the pins, that individual is instantaneously transported to an alternate timeline where the individual corresponding to the pin is dead. If there are already pins in the doll when a new pin is inserted, the user is transported to a timeline where all of the relevant persons are dead. Removing a pin seems to transport the user back to the original timeline, although experimental data on this point is limited due to the O-5 council’s restrictions on further testing.

The exact manner in which an alternate timeline is chosen and the point in the timeline at which the targeted individual dies and how it is chosen are still somewhat unclear; some timelines are barely distinguishable from the originals other than the death of the relevant person, while others are barely recognizable. For example, Dr. Serket found the timeline that resulted from Agent Ampora’s death to be sufficiently pleasant as to apply for (and be denied) a transfer to work there, whereas when Dr. Serket attempted to travel to the timeline defined by Dr. Vantas’ death, she returned thirty seconds later with symptoms of vacuum exposure, mild radiation burns, and muttering feverishly about tentacles.

SCP-606 was discovered at the scene of the Green Mansion Incident with most of the pins corresponding to the members of SCP-1515 already inserted, and the remainder scattered nearby. The process of creating new pins was discovered and subsequently tested by Dr. Serket after Site ##’s poker night on 05/07/20##.


	10. Chapter 10

73\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to attempt to make herself immortal.  
74\. While the resultant display was admittedly very interesting, Dr. Serket is not allowed to feed energy drinks to SCP-408 ever again.  
75\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to leave the passwords for high-security computer systems written down on sticky notes attached to the monitor.  
76\. No matter how good she may be at it, Dr. Serket is not allowed to save a trip down the hallway by folding her reports into paper airplanes and throwing them at Director Maryam’s office.  
77\. The next time Agent Ampora complains of a medical problem, he is to be referred to Dr. Crocker, not given SCP-1025 as a reference manual.  
78\. Regardless of whether or not the Islamic Republic of Eastern Samothrace actually exists, Dr. Serket has no business arranging a coup d’etat in it.  
79\. Dr. Serket is no longer allowed to attempt to raise the dead.  
80\. Dr. Serket is not to attempt to steal SCP-050 from Agent Egbert again; Director Maryam is tired of the resulting prank wars, and Dr. Serket never wins them anyway.  
\---------------  
Document-050-3

_“Researcher Prank War III: Oh, Not Again, For God’s Sake”_

On 05/11/20##, SCP-050 (a monkey statue with ‘To The Cleverest’ inscribed on it that anomalously follows its owner, keeps their office clean, and transfers ownership to anyone who can successfully play a practical joke on its current owner) was obtained from Agent Egbert by Dr. Serket, thus setting off yet another round of prank wars among staff attempting to claim it for themselves. Incident records are compiled below for posterity.

 **Memorandum 050-F:** Things Are Chaotic Enough Around Here Without Our Personnel Actively Attempting To Add Fuel To The Flames So Please No More Of This I Say Despite Knowing My Words Are Almost Certainly Entirely Futile- Director Maryam

Entry 1: Egbert -> Serket  
Dr. Serket took advantage of an intimate encounter with Agent Egbert to apply a compound that dyed Agent Egbert’s hair neon blue and rendered her irresistible to several species of ladybug. Dr. Serket proceeded to brag about her success to everyone in earshot, setting off another round of attempts to gain possession of SCP-050.

Entry 2: Serket -> Megido  
Dr. Megido left several dead tarantulas smeared in a mix of green gelatin and peppermint oil intended to imitate the secretions of SCP-447 (which must never come into contact with a dead body of any description) on Dr. Serket’s desk. Upon returning to her office, Dr. Serket, having perpetrated several similar tricks herself in the past, began to laugh it off, at which point Dr. Megido used basic necromancy to reanimate the tarantulas, causing Dr. Serket to panic, drop an incendiary grenade on her desk, and evacuate the room.

Entry 3: Megido -> English  
Dr. Megido received an email purporting to be from [REDACTED], specifying the location of a previously unknown tomb containing a valuable repository of ancient knowledge. After flying several hours to [REDACTED], uncovering the tomb, and braving a number of highly creative traps, Dr. Megido discovered the treasure to be a copy of the DK Eyewitness Visual Dictionary of Ancient Civilizations, planted by Agent English.  
Note: _that was honestly so fun im not even mad about it- Dr. Megido_

Entry 4: English -> Strider  
Dr. Strider replaced one of Agent English’s training dummies with an advanced robot that grew legs and fled the training room, forcing Agent English to chase it down and wrestle it into submission. The robot was also programmed to make embarrassing noises throughout this entire process.

Entry 5: Strider -> Lalonde  
Agent Lalonde used his anomalous skills to render several small wireless speakers undetectable and planted them in Dr. Strider’s office. He proceeded to use a voice changer and microphone connected to the speakers over a period of several days to convince Dr. Strider that his desk toys were talking to him, then took a video of Dr. Strider attempting to interrogate a plastic pony toy and shared it on Site-##’s internal internet.

Entry 6: Lalonde -> Captor  
Dr. Captor infected Agent Lalonde’s laptop with a computer virus that randomly caused one out of every three emails sent by Agent Lalonde to have the “Reply All” function activated, resulting in considerable embarrassment and inconvenience, including the revelation of several unfortunate anecdotes and Agent Lalonde’s personal email account being added to several spam filters.

Entry 7: Captor -> Leijon  
Dr. Captor was surprised in his office by what appeared to be the head of a rampaging SCP-682 breaking through his window, but was actually a paper-mache construct equipped with speakers and recordings of SCP-682’s vocalizations, built by Agent Leijon and equipped with a rudimentary air cannon that fired a one kilogram glitter bomb into Dr. Captor’s lap. Cleanup remains ongoing.

Entry 8: Leijon -> Pyrope  
Upon returning from a mission, Agent Pyrope sprayed Agent Leijon with what was ostensibly a disinfectant but was actually nepetalactone, the active ingredient in catnip. Agent Pyrope then placed some three dozen housecats in Agent Leijon’s quarters; upon returning to her room, Agent Leijon was promptly buried in felines, and remained trapped for several hours.

Entry 9: Pyrope -> Harley  
Dr. Harley secretly stole Agent Pyrope’s sunglasses and installed an advanced set of microcircuitry capable of projecting holographic images before returning them. The projectors activated the next morning when Agent Pyrope put on the glasses, causing her to unknowingly spend most of the day walking around disguised as a 2.5 meter tall dragon humanoid.

Entry 10: Harley -> Lalonde  
Dr. Lalonde used [REDACTED] on Dr. Harley’s Squiddles collectables, causing them to animate and speak in eldritch tongues at unpredictable points and attempt to form a nest around Dr. Harley’s desktop, thus forcing Dr. Harley to spend several hours in research with the assistance of Dr. Megido in order to discover a ritual to return them to their normal state.

Entry 11: Lalonde -> Strider  
Agent Strider planted advanced sound chips in Dr. Lalonde’s violins, causing each one to sound like a completely different musical instrument whenever she attempted to play it. Among the sounds chosen by Agent Strider were extremely loud electric guitars, vuvuzelas, high-pitched operatic singing, bagpipes, and recordings of Agent Strider engaging in ironically poor beatboxing. 

Entry 12: Strider -> Crocker  
After Agent Strider was overheard asserting that he was definitely going to be hanging on to SCP-050 for a while because he “wasn’t going to get caught by some lame pie in the face kinda gag”, Dr. Crocker prepared over 800 pies, broke into Agent Strider’s office, and set up a series of spring-loaded pie-throwing devices on every available centimeter of the walls and ceiling, hidden by an experimental invisibility field device borrowed from Agent Lalonde and rigged to all fire at once when Agent Strider sat down at his desk. When Agent Strider next attempted to use his office, the resulting barrage of pies covered him head to toe and created a mess that took several hours to clean up.

Entry 13: Crocker -> Pyrope  
After Dr. Crocker spent two straight nights without sleep assisting in several major surgeries in the aftermath of [REDACTED], and then attempted to return to her office the following morning in order to catch up on her paperwork without getting any further rest, Agent Pyrope accosted her on the way to her office, taking away her coffee and replacing it with a drink that she assured Dr. Crocker was a powerful stimulant of her own concoction. Said drink in fact proved to be a mixture of decaffeinated coffee, warm milk, valerian extract, and a liberal dose of red food coloring, resulting in Dr. Crocker falling asleep at her desk shortly afterwards. After Dr. Crocker fell asleep, Agent Pyrope cocooned her inside a sleeping bag, drew a mustache on her face, left official notices on Dr. Crocker’s office door that Dr. Crocker required absolute silence and was not to be disturbed, and foisted all of Dr. Crocker’s paperwork off on Dr. Vantas. Despite the apparently helpful nature of the prank, SCP-050 still apparently considered it worth transferring ownership over.

Entry 14: Pyrope -> Serket  
Dr. Serket took advantage of an intimate encounter with Agent Pyrope to apply a compound that dyed Agent Pyrope’s hair bright red and caused small lizards to mistake her for their mother, then proceeded to brag about it again.  
Note: _4PP4R3NTLY TH1S SCP 1SNT V3RY CONC3RN3D 4BOUT OR1G1N4L1TY WH3N 1T JUDG3S P3OPL3S PR4CT1C4L JOK3S- Agent Pyrope_

Entry 15: Serket -> Egbert  
Upon arriving for work, Dr. Serket discovered that the hallway leading to her office had been rigged with a number of extremely elaborate devices designed to assail anyone walking down the hallway with pies, water balloons, snare traps, and other similarly humorous items. After spending nearly one and a half hours disabling all the traps, Dr. Serket was heard to yell triumphantly at Agent Egbert about her success at avoiding the prank, after which she attempted to enter her office and walked directly into the sheet of clear cellophane that Agent Egbert had stretched over the doorway.  
\---------------  
81\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to keep any sharks in Foundation swimming pools.  
82\. SCP-018 may be a bouncy ball, but it is most decidedly not a toy.  
83\. A flamethrower is ~~never~~ hardly ever an appropriate tool for cleaning out the fridge.  
84\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to claim to not have heard of this list.  
85\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to willfully misinterpret these rules in order to get out of doing her work.  
86\. Dr. Serket is not allowed to ‘borrow’ SCP-662 when she gets behind on her work.  
87\. The Foundation neither has nor needs an official Twitter account, and even if we did, we certainly wouldn’t let Dr. Serket run it.  
88\. In the event of another interaction with cross-universe versions of the Foundation, Dr. Serket is not to be allowed to interact with Dr. Bright; we have no idea what would happen, but there’s no way in hell it would be good.


End file.
